


Safe

by MarieSackler



Series: Sophie and Sackler [1]
Category: Adam Driver - Fandom, Adam Sackler and Sophie, Girls (TV), adam sackler - Fandom
Genre: Adam Sackler - Freeform, Adam Sackler/OC - Freeform, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, HBO Girls - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, New York City, Real Life, Sex, Sophie and Sackler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24627661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarieSackler/pseuds/MarieSackler
Summary: Sophie is a train wreck.Adam Sackler could be the answer to silencing the chaos? Or does he add to it?Trigger Warning:Sexual Assault/Domestic Abuse History (Brief mentioning)Mental IllnessDrug/Alcohol use
Series: Sophie and Sackler [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793971
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	Safe

The flu.

He was the flu.

He left me feverish, tender and afflicted.

I should write that down.

I watched his naked back from my bed; rummage in the refrigerator. My bedroom was my living-room and my kitchen melded together. It was your typical Brooklyn flat. All the luxuries you could want for a mere $3,000.00 a month; this included one large room, one small stand up shower, toilet, sink and a spacious 24 inches closet.

"You are seriously unhealthy" he exclaimed in disgust. I sighed and rolled on to my back to stare at the ceiling. Adam. Adam was healthy. Well, let's not get to ahead of ourselves; healthy in the physical, the doctors, love you, kind of way. He was fit. Not overall muscly but there was some definition; especially in the stomach and his perfectly sculpted lines pointing below the waist. He turned around with a Greek yogurt in hand. I turned my head to look at him. He had a lazy grin on his pale face. He was truly, the definition of 'weird looking hot'. He had large, awkward ears that were usually covered by his jet black, chin length hair, that he was constantly running his hands through; his eyes were fierce, a mixture of black and amber and his mouth, oh his mouth was plumper than usual for a man and quite seductive. He walked to the bed and sat down.

"So, what are you doing today kid?" he asked as he slid a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth. I shrugged my shoulders and pulled the sheet higher up to my face.

"Probably, sleeping, since you kept me up all night." Adam blurted out his typical "Ha!" and poked me in the side.

"You begged for it. You wouldn't have let me leave anyways" He said with a little dance. I rolled my eyes and sat up.

"You can go, anytime" I said annoyed with his presence. He was starting to linger a little too long and when he did that, it could dangerously end up with them inside of each other. He got up and threw the yogurt cup into the trash can. He stared intently at me as he slid his jeans on.

"I know what you are doing." He said smiling.

"You are trying to get me to leave because you think we will fuck again." He climbed towards me, putting on a fake pout.

"You wouldn't make it through another ride with this cock." He said biting at my bottom lip. I closed my eyes and fiercely shook my head.

"You are so full of yourself; it is ridiculous." I said suppressing a laugh. He put my face in between his large hands.

"You look like a fucking mess, take a shower" He kissed me abruptly and jumped up. Throwing himself together, he spun around and motioned goodbye.

"See you later, kid." He sprinted out the door.

Sam threw the packs of Splenda across the table at my face.

"Take your cancer" She said in disgust as she drank her black coffee. I happily poured the white powder into my creamer and coffee. Sam was the first friend that I had made as an adult in New York City. If you call 18 years old, an adult; I do not. Sam was also a fresh 18-year-old when they met at a small Asian market on 7th ave. Sam had been working there her entire life since her uncle owned the shop. Sam wasn't Sam's real name. Sam was Sam to friends and new acquaintances but her actual name was Sanyu; her family was Japanese. She stopped using her name in middle school for reasons unknown to this day. The two bonded over their heavy investment in fantasy novels, Star Wars, history and music. It was kismet and it had been an easy six years of companionship. Sam ran her hand through her short silk black hair. She was eying a heavily bearded hipster at the coffee bar. I stifled a laugh and sipped my coffee.

"I thought you were done with dating?" I teased. Sam shrugged her shoulders and shoved a piece of bagel in her mouth.

"A girl can only go without sex for so long Sophie." Rolling my eyes, I scooped up the last bit of cream cheese from my plate.

"You are a fucking disgrace. Do you know how long I went without sex before?" Sam without looking waved her hand at my face.

"Fuck you. You get banged on the regular by a poor man's Keanu Reeves."

Pretending to be offended. "Don't insult Keanu baby. He doesn't deserve that."

Pulling her gaze back to me and sneering. "I hate that you are still fucking that beetle."

I chugged down the rest of my coffee. She was in one of her moods and was two seconds away from a full-blown lecture. Sam did not like Adam. She met him once and it was by accident. Adam was racing down the stairs as Sam was heading up to see me. She knew it was him by my description. She blocked him as he hit the bottom of the stairwell. He according to him asked her politely to move and she did not. Sam states that he yelled "What the fuck!" and physically moved her to get to the exit. I personally think it was a mixture of both.

"Why don't you come out with Anne and I tonight? We are going to watch her roommates' band. I will buy the first round of shots."

I smiled and put on a cheesy British accent.

"Oh, my lady that sounds lovely but I'd rather not. Thank you, kindly." I put my nose up in the air.

"Seriously, don't be stupid. You know it's really unhealthy." Sam stared me down waiting for more of a reaction.

"I already told you, it's really nothing. We have sex and then he leaves. There is nothing to be upset about." I was already over having this conversation with her and ready to head to the bookstore. Sam shook her head and threw her cellphone in her bag.

"You and I both know that is more than sex. Or we both know that it is more than sex for you at least."

I bit my tongue from shooting back a nasty retort. I did not want to get into a fight with Sam right before work.

"Thanks for the coffee and bagel muffin." I said pecking her cheek.

"You're my favorite" I mumbled into her shoulder as I gave her a quick hug.

"Will you at least think about coming out tonight? Anne says that you are a bitch and that she never sees you anymore."

"Maybe, I really want to work on my stuff." I said out loud only partially believing my own words. I knew that I wanted to write but I also knew that a Saturday night would result in a late-night visit from Adam. It clearly did not convince Sam.

"Sure, yeah. Right, well I'll just pop by on my way home from the bars and see how that writing is going" she snapped. I gritted my teeth.

"Jesus-Christ Sam, just drop it already. I do want to write and maybe also get fucked. Just leave it be." I quickly made my way out into the street. She followed closely behind.

"Listen, you would tell me constantly if I was fucking up like this, so I am just doing my best friend duties" she said with a smile. She was trying to lighten the mood before their departure. I nodded.

"Have fun tonight, tell Anne I said hello and text me when you get home." I blurted and turned towards my route.

It had been a long day at the bookstore. My boss had been out with sickness for the last week and I was the acting manager. The bookstore staff consisted of 'creative-writing' majors who just wanted to work there to meet aspiring 'writers' and two partially retired senior citizens who worked very few hours.

The bed felt nice and welcoming especially after my shower. I sat up and tried to focus on the empty white Microsoft word screen. I had hit chapter 14 in my beautiful fantasy filled novel and suddenly was unable to put together two words. It had been a wearisome two months of absolutely nothing. I still was able to regularly jot down concepts and visuals but that was where it ended.

My cellphone read 2:00 am. Sam would be leaving the bars around now. Adam on the other hand appeared to be a no show. There was no warning text at 12:30am and the latest he appeared was 1am. I tried to not let the disappointment creep in. I had been spoilt as of late with Adam appearances. He had been showing up quite regularly due to his energy levels after the show. Adam was in a theatrical production and had been since we had met; three months ago. All the details that I knew of the production was that he was quite high in the billing and that it took everything out of him; except after performances, he would explode with energy and then crash; coma style.

I had met Adam at one of Anne's parties. Anne was the wild one. She had raging parties out of her quite large, expensive, fully paid by her parents, apartment. She was a graduate art student. The parties consisted of a lot of hippies, artists and everything in between. Adam apparently knew the guy that Anne was sleeping with at the time. I remember walking by a grizzly looking couple snorting cocaine off her mosaic coffee table. Adam was standing near the windows looking onto the street. He was in conversation with a loud, girl who didn't breathe in-between sentences. He was clearly uncomfortable. I smirked as I passed them. I had it made to the kitchen and was looking for a glass for wine. Adam had followed me.

"Hey! You look normal" he blurted out. I looked at him with half grimace and smile.

"Hey and thanks." The glass I needed for my wine was on the top shelf; of course. I stood on my toes to try to reach it. Adam walked over and gently pushed me with his hip. He easily grabbed the cup and gestured it towards me. I went to grab it and he pulled it up quickly.

"I am Adam. Who are you?" He said with a lazy smile. I rolled my eyes. I had been short my entire life and this wasn't my first rodeo. I shrugged and walked around him. He laughed loudly and pointed the glass towards me. I grabbed the glass.

"Thanks, and it's Sophie." I walked back to the wine rack. He watched me intently as I poured the Pinot Noir. It tasted perfect. How does he not realize that you can't stare at people? I cleared my throat and did the polite nod.

"Well, nice meeting you Adam." I moved quickly back into the Livingroom and found Anne. I nestled up to her and jumped into the conversation about Bob Dylan and his greatest hits. I apparently had found the music majors circle. I looked up after what seemed like hours and saw Adam looking at me. Jesus what is this guy's problem? At the same time, it made me excited. I was not use to such attention. He nodded towards the door. I felt myself go into auto pilot and magically made it outside the apartment behind this tall, slightly creepy, slightly sexy man.

"Will you go have breakfast with me?" He said matter of factly. I looked down at my cell phone it was 11pm.

"What?" I said wondering why I came out into the hallway. He did an awkward dancing motion.

"Look, I hate everyone in there. All they want to do is talk about how talented they are and sit in a big circle jerk. My eyes are getting blurry and I need food. You are pretty and seem interesting."

I stared back at this imposing oddity and I wanted to know him. I followed him to a cramped diner and ate a large plate of pancakes. We talked about nothing of substance for an hour or so and by the end of the night, I was naked and on my back in my apartment with Adam towering over me and thrusting. He stayed the night and left quietly in the morning. He left his number on a candy wrapper on the pillow. I waited two days before I called him. He answered in a huff.

"Yeah"

I regretted calling him immediately.

"Hey Adam. It's Sophie." I practically whispered.

"Oh hey. What's up kid?" He sounded out of breath. What did I interrupt?

"Well, you left your number on my table." I wasn't sure how else to initiate the conversation. I heard him clear his throat.

"Yeah, well I enjoyed fucking you. You seemed to enjoy yourself. I thought, if you were down to do it again, you could call me."

I sat back into the couch in shock. Who talks like this? I sat in silence for 30 seconds. Adam sighed audibly.

"Look kid, I liked being with you naked. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. If you want to do it again, give me a call or send a text or whatever. Okay?"

I felt like an idiot but I knew I wanted to have him touch me again.

"Are you free tonight?" I asked in spite of the screaming in my head.

"After 9, I am. I'll come over"

He hung up. I stared down at my cell. What the hell did I just invite back to my apartment?

This was how the next four months proceeded. The phone call requests became texts and then the visits just became expected. Adam came over on Wednesday, sometimes Fridays and definitely late on Saturdays now that his play was in full production.

In the beginning, there was little to no conversation. Adam would show up and make lots of demands. He would tie me up and take me from behind, toss me around the bed and bury himself between my legs. He would say obscenities and slap my ass. I had never experienced sex like this before; it was exciting and left me sore and faintly ashamed. The things he spouted were rough at times but still turned me on. Afterwards, he would get us both waters, clean himself off and leave. This lasted for almost two and half months. I was beyond shocked with myself for keeping up with it. I had never had sex with anyone outside of a relationship. One-night stands were not my thing. Fuck buddies definitely were outside of my comfort zone. I had three sexual partners before Adam. My first at 15 by my foster brother and not by choice, the others happened once I got settled into the city after high school; both abusive and both would-be writers. I had a struggling, angry, artist, fetish.

Adam did not know any of this; we did not discuss ourselves in-depth. I knew what sex positions he enjoyed; from behind and on the side. I knew he eats only when his body alerted him to its need for fuel. He exercised regularly enough and was an inspiring actor. He was most eager for sex after rehearsal or a show. He did not drink or do drugs. He hated condoms but used them anyways. The other facts were random and scattered. I did find myself enjoying the smell of his hair next to me in the mornings the times that he stayed the night. He smelled of laundry detergent and nights after shows like makeup and hairspray. The deep lines near his mouth, when he smiled. He spoke very loudly and suddenly when he was excited and could drop to a sensual whisper just as quickly. In the last month or so he had taken up spooning me and it was a nice feeling waking up in someone's arms. We did not kiss goodbye but there was always a hug.

I stared at my cellphone. It was now 3am. The only text message was from Sam telling me how much of a fun time I had missed and that she was home safe. I put the cell phone on my nightstand. It did not matter that Adam did not text tonight. He probably went out with the cast. My eyes bore into the empty spot next to me and the thoughts started to race. This was not going to be a big deal. I did not have the emotional capacity for this to matter.

Gripping the edge of the bed, I started to count backwards from 100 to force my brain into relaxation mode. Anxiety disorders were a bitch. I told myself I would not let this thing with Adam throw off my balance; stability is such a delicate creature. Emotions are sneaky and very messy; romantic emotions are worse.

Things had been creeping up over the last couple of weeks; warning signs were making themselves known. The little hiccups in my routine, the snacking at night, lack of sleep. The worry of money was very real. The building manager earlier that week had passed out letters explaining the need for raising of rent. The apartment was already hard to swing as it was and I did not feel warmly towards the idea of having a roommate.

I was not able to work overtime and was toying with the idea of getting a second job. A second job meant more teetering with my routine. Routine was key for keeping afloat and not causing complete and utter self-destruction. Reaching into my nightstand drawer, I found the Xanax. I would just take one. The pill dissolved quickly under my tongue and within minutes my eyelids were heavy. Drugs were quick.

It had been one week since I had heard from Adam aside from the singular text with 'real busy atm.'. I scrolled through my social media feed feeling restless and exhausted. It was late but that was typical. Every night that week had been the same from start to finish; get up, shower, write a few visuals in my writing scrap book, go to work, come home, eat a sandwich, stare at cellphone, sleep four hours and do it all over again the next day. I hadn't even spoken to Sam due to the store's staff coming down with a sudden sickness. It was hitting the city hard for so early in the season.

"Kid, open up." Adam's voice rang through the apartment. Jumping in my skin, I moved to the door and peered through the peephole. Adam stood in a black suit jacket and pants. He was rocking back in forth in clear agitation. I unlatched the lock, seconds before Adam burst into the apartment.

"Hi?" I moved back to the couch eying him cautiously. I could feel the anxiety mounting in my chest. Adams mouth was pressed in a hard line and his eyes were black and wide.

"The show was shit. Fucking shit." He paced back in forth in front of me. Nodding sympathetically. I started to bite my lip. I did not deal with anger very well.

"What happened?"

Adam scratched his head and walked towards the kitchen not answering me. I heard the refrigerator open and slam shut and then the cupboards. He reemerged with a glass of water.

"Was the audience stale?" I prodded him for more information.

"No. I was distracted." He sharply tapping his head. I was already tired of prying.

"Are you going to tell me why you are upset? Or?" Being blunt wasn't a specialty of mine but I was exhausted and bothered by his attitude. Adam whipped off his suit jacket and flung his shoes towards the door.

"I am staying here tonight. Is that okay?" He asked unzipping his pants, revealing worn looking boxer briefs.

"Adam, I am really tired. I can't do a sex marathon." Looking at me incredulously, he flopped down onto my bed and whipped his dress shirt to the floor.

"We don't have to fuck if you don't want too. Just come to bed with me." He flipped open the covers. Sighing, I turned off the lights and crawled under the covers. Adam threw his arms around my waist and pulled me against his bare chest while simultaneously locking his legs with mine.

"I probably smell. I sweat when I get worked up." He mumbled into my hair. Breathing him in, I smelled the faint hint of cedar.

"Are you wearing cologne?" This did not seem like an Adam move.

"No." The smell was distinctively woody.

"You smell like Cedar."

"No idea. Let me sleep."

His arms around me tighten. I couldn't lie to myself it felt comforting to have him hold me. I had been falling apart for weeks and I couldn't afford the refills on my medication; not having insurance really made life with mental illness; difficult. Between the warmth of Adam's body and pressure from his grip I fell asleep quite easily.

I heard my door slam. Adam was gone. There was no note on the bed. Well that was something for sure. I could hear Sam screaming in my head. Was she right? Did I even want to try to have a real relationship with someone? The crazy always revealed itself and then they would run. No one wanted a girlfriend who couldn't get out of bed or shower some days. A woman that could go from a 10 to a 1 in mere hours. Adam did not need me to be normal because he asked very little of me emotionally. They used each other for physical needs and went on with their lives. I had to shower. I needed to shower. I felt sticky from either my sweat or Adams. I was running my hand through the water of the shower when I heard the door open and shut again. All my muscles clenched.

"Are you showering?" Adam's voice boomed.

He came back? I wasn't expecting for him to come back. Adam appeared in the bathroom doorway. He looked down at my bare body, leaning in seductively, he kissed the tip of my nose.

"I got coffee and donuts." He started peeling off his clothes.

"What are you doing?" I asked stepping back. He smiled and climbed into the shower and reached his hand towards me.

"It's big enough for the both of us. Hurry up."

I slowly moved under the water and closed my eyes. This was new for us. Adam started lathering my hair with shampoo.

"You don't have to do that. I am a big girl."

"HA! I know. I just want to help." He worked his way down my body with his foamy hands.

"My hair is up here." Grabbing him by his chin that was making its way into my breasts.

"I want you to be clean."

I let myself laugh. Wiggling away from him, I rinsed quickly and jumped out. I heard Adam close behind me; there was a box of donuts and two coffee cups on the table. One had 'Sophie' messily on the top. Black coffee was perfect for right now. Only wearing a towel, Adam crossed in front of me; clothes in hand. I tightened my own towel.

"Thanks for breakfast. Donuts are heaven." Adam shook his head.

"Donuts are high in sugar and rot your teeth but I know you like that shit food."

I felt a smile creep onto my face. He bought me trash. But why?

"So, are you going to fill me in on last night?" I knew this would spin the mood of the room but his behavior was out of the norm; which for Adam was intriguing in itself.

"I had a bad show. I already told you that. That's it. I didn't want to go home."

He started tying his shoes. I had the sudden urge to kiss his face. I sucked down more coffee instead.

"Thanks for letting me crash. See ya."

He kissed me on the head and walked to the door. I did not want him to go already and who knew how long it would be until he came around again.

"Adam, you should come back around sooner."

Walking out the door I heard him say "Okay, kid."

I hated myself. I hated how needy and insecure I was with everything in life. Why would I tell Adam to come back sooner? I am lucky he sleeps with me. I mean Adam looks like a stick next to my fat ass. My BMI was probably double his and I was a hobbit next to him.

The critic was in full swing, several days after Adam's last visit. I was supposed to be listening to the Yoga instructor's meditation but my inner demons were louder. Sam nudged me hard in the thigh. This was pointless. Abruptly, I stood and escaped into the hall. Sam was close behind.

"What is going on with you?" She asked trying to keep her voice down.

Sam knew all about my mental chaos but after six years would just cut to the chase. If I was on the verge of an attack, she wanted to be ready.

"I am just not feeling it today. My brain is busy. A little too busy and I am wasting valuable sleeping or writing time." I lied. I did not want to write at all but if I just said sleeping there would be concern.

"Okay, well I told you that I could help you out. You could pick up shifts at the shop. Ojisan loves you. You know this."

Cringing, I grabbed my bag from the members hooks. I hated feeling like charity. I also hated knowing I probably would take said charity.

"I know and I probably will. Just give me a little more time to adjust this" I said tapping my head.

"You know how badly change can shift things around."

Sam nodded and wrapped her arms around me in a tight squeeze.

"Call me if you need too. Love you."

Sam quickly left me alone in the hallway. The noise in my brain was starting to interrupt my life more and more every day. I needed to pull together some money to fill my prescriptions. I pondered this over as I stood waiting at my bus stop. Adam and Anne came around the corner and into my view. Anne noticed me first and immediately jumped at me.

"Hello my darling." She smelled of Patchouli, weed and Pinot Noir.

"Hi Anne and Adam." Adam had made his way up to her and was switching from foot to foot.

"Hi Sophie." He said my name. It sounded foreign coming from him. Anne danced in a circle.

"I've been on the wine all day and Adam here is bringing me to Levi's. Isn't he a real gent?" She prodded Adam in the chest and started staring at her cellphone. Adam moved closer to me.

"How are you?" I looked at him incredulously. He sounded nervous. He did not want Anne to know he was sleeping with me. It was very clear to me.

"I am fine, thanks. So nice to see you again. I hadn't heard from you in a few days." I pointedly raised my voice. He looked between Anne and I; realizing, Anne was not paying attention, he shrugged.

"Sorry kid." He was trying in desperation she realized to not look like he was uncomfortable with the conversation. He evidently needed to work on his acting skills. I did not want to play a game, right at this moment, all I wanted to was be in my bed.

"Okay." Thankfully, I didn't have to say more because my bus pulled up the stop. I jolted towards the opening doors, leaving no time for Adam and Anne to respond to the bye I blurted out as I jumped onto the bus.

Turning off the lights, I crawled into bed. It was only 8pm but I was emotionally dead. I knew that I would lay here for hours before falling asleep anyways. Three large bangs on the door, jolted me up.

"It's Adam."

I wrapped my arms around myself. I did not want to see Adam at all. My brain was too full for the thoughts that came with his presence. I remained silent, hoping he would think I was out or sleeping. I could hear his shuffling in the hall. He knocked again but louder.

"I saw your lights on while I was on the sidewalk." He yelled. I immediately ran to the door. The last thing I needed was the cops being called on. I yanked the door to a red-faced Adam. He pushed past me.

"Why did you try to blow me off?" He said huffy. Staring at my feet, I shrugged my shoulders.

"I am tired."

"You're always tired. Are you not sleeping?" He put my face in his hands and examined me.

"You have bags under your eyes." A small smile spread on his lips. He kissed my forehead.

"I am still pissed at you. What the fuck was that earlier in the street?" He turned and started to get himself a glass of water. I played dumb.

"What do you mean?"

"You were acting weird. I thought you were pissed at me or something. But I thought about it and you have nothing to be pissed at me about."

I felt suddenly naked and realized I was just in a tee-shirt and underwear. Tugging at my tee shirt, I mumbled that I was fine. Adam looked doubtful.

"Right."

I knew I had to give some kind of answer, I was surprised at the one that I gave.

"I didn't know if you wanted Anne to know that I knew you." Adam raised his eyebrows and laughed.

"Of course, she knows that I know you. I met you at her party and you and I are in her social circle. Why wouldn't I know you? And why would I give a shit about that? Doesn't make any sense." I figured that he would play it off. He apparently has moments of good acting.

"Okay, well great." I moved myself in front of the door and placed my hand on the knob.

"I hate to kick you out but I am dead and need to get some sleep." Adam shook his head slowly and pulled his shirt over his head.

"No."

I rolled my eyes and opened the door.

"Seriously, Adam." Adam walked further into the apartment towards my bed. I slammed the door shut and stomped after him.

"Adam, come on." He turned and caught my face in his hands, pressing his lips against mine and pulling me close to his chest. I immediately fell into him and his kisses. He had the softest skin. He moved carefully to my neck; needles spread down my body. He was going slower, gentler, than his usual frenzy. I muttered "Adam" into his hair; he was at my collarbone. I took a deep breath and pressed my hands against his chest, gently pushing him back; his amber eyes were large and lustrous. He tripped back and landed on my bed.

"I am trying to be helpful." He sounded genuine. I crossed my arms, barring myself against him.

"Sex doesn't solve everything Adam."

"Affection and comfort might? Or so I thought." He paused for a moment, stood, and found his tee-shirt. Staggered, I watched him dance his shoes back on. I knew I should say something. He was trying to be sweet. I squeezed my hands together instead and tried to ground myself. The tightness in my chest returned.

"I am sorry, Adam. I am just not feeling very social." Adam pushed his hair out of his face.

"I really don't understand you. One minute, you are screaming out my name and begging me to get inside of you. The next minute you are acting like you don't know me in the street. What kind of game is this?" His eyes bore into mine. The ball of pain that had formed somewhere behind my ribs could not take the confrontation and I dropped to the floor. The squeezing fist around my heart took my breath away. Adam was on his knees in front of me.

"What the fuck Sophie. What is happening?" I could feel the hot tears running down my face as I pushed myself away from him and curled up in the fetal position.

"Anxiety attack." I whispered trying to catch my breath. This was horrifying. The critic had returned and was screaming that I was going to die. I knew that Adam would never come around again after this; who would after this kind of fit. Adam crawled behind me and wrapped himself against me.

"Just breathe. I am here." I tried to focus on the warmth radiating from his body. What seemed like hours passed before I felt the fist loosen. I crawled towards the couch and got myself standing.

"I am so sorry Adam. Sometimes, that happens." The panic started to rise. Adam jumped to his feet and rushed to me. Placing his hands on my shoulders, he bent and looked me squarely in the face.

"My sister has them sometimes. My mom did too. It's okay, really. Now, just breathe and sit down. I am going to get you some water." He nudged me to sit. This was not how this was supposed to be. How can I just be fuck buddies with this guy now? I drank the water quickly under the vigilant eye of Adam. I bet he was ready to bolt out the door but was trying to be polite.

"Hey, thanks Adam; that was very generous of you. You can take off now if you want."

"Right." He paused for a beat and then walked to the door.

"Get some sleep, kid." I latched the locks behind him. I needed Adam Sackler out of my life. He was going to get complicated. I could not handle complicated. I cried until I passed out.

"Okay, so 'Ojiisan said whenever you are ready to start. You are on the schedule." Sam flipped through a book on the counter. I looked at the clock. I had two hours left before closing and I was ready. It was Friday and I had two days of glorious lounging in front of the tv. The streaming service I used just added my favorite adaptation of a fantasy series that I was obsessed with as a child and I was in need of some sort of escapism. Sam was doing her usual attempt at getting me to go out to the bars with her and Anne's social circle. I really regretted introducing Sam to Anne.

"I think I am coming down with something. My stomach has been rotten all day." I lied rubbing my stomach. Sam looked terrified.

"I bet you are getting that flu bug. Oh my god. Please don't breathe on me. I have a coffee date on Sunday." Rolling my eyes, I pretended to cough.

"Well, I guess you better get out of here." I said using my best dying voice. Sam rolled her eyes.

"You use to go out. You use to love it; dancing and doing shots. Now all you do is hide away at home."

Shrugging, I contemplated shutting the store down early. The owner cared very little about what I did. She married wealthy and the shop was a pet project.

"Look, you know how this goes." I tapped my head. "It does whatever it wants. I use to love ice cream and now I hate it. Whatever, it wants." The notion use to depress me and now it's just part of the song and dance that is my life. Sam nodded sadly.

"I hear you. I just know that you are probably going to spend the weekend in your pajamas again or naked with that train wreck Adam."

I knew this would come up and so I had to rip the Band-Aid off quickly.

"That is over. So, no more train wreck." I decided at that moment that it was time to close the store. Luckily there was no one else in the store and I easily flipped our sign to 'closed.'

"You're closing? Isn't it early? And you are really done with him?"

I nodded and pulled the cash register drawer out.

"Yeah, it just wasn't fun anymore. It became flat." I lied again. Sam wasn't believing it.

"Okay, right. Well I highly doubt that it became 'flat'. She threw up air quotes. "Adam fucking Sackler is anything but flat Sophie. But I don't really care. If you say it's over than its over. I mean I did talk to Anne yesterday and she said Adam asked about you; asked her how you were doing. She was very bemused by it. Apparently, she told him to find out himself. I mean she knows that you two are sleeping together." I panicked.

"Does he know? Does he know that Anne knows?" Sam rolled her eyes and huffed.

"I don't know. Probably not. They aren't friends really. She just happened by the theater to see Kai. She isn't the type to talk gossip. You know that." Sam was truly fond of Anne apparently.

"Right, well I need you to go. I am going to close up and count the money. I can call you later." Sam scowled.

"You need to figure your insurance out. You without therapy and drugs is grating on my nerves."

I locked the door behind her and stared at the empty bookstore. Everyone sucked.

One week passed before I opened any texts or checked my missed calls. I went to work and went home. My cellphone was buried under my couch cushions and off. I decided that Friday was the night. I fished it out and turned it on. There was a slew of texts from Sam. The last one was threatening to show up after work on Friday. It was already 7pm. Sam was not coming over. She was use to my radio silence and would let it go on for about 7 days and then make sure to swing by the apartment. I felt a wave of panic wash over me as I saw a text from Adam. It read 'Okay. Take care of yourself, kid.' I stared at the words. Just like that and he was done. I expected it after my attack but I wasn't expecting it to be so blunt and easy. 'You weren't anything'. The voice in my head whispered.

The self-abuse continued for a few hours before my head was spinning. I found the Xanax and popped down two. I grabbed the bottle of Stoli' out of the bottom of the fridge. A couple of gulps would do it. It took only a few minutes before my head grew fuzzy. It was time to party. I managed to get safely to Anne's in an Uber. Thank the Gods for that one. I knew that there would be a party. It was Friday night and there was always a party. I heard the music before I got to the door. At this point, my eye sight was poor and so was my balance. The door whipped open to reveal equally inebriated girls. They let me by and stumbled out into the hall. I saw Anne and she saw me. She floated over to me. She was concerned.

"Hey you. You're here." She said linking her arm with mine. I nodded. My body felt suddenly very heavy. There was good ole Xanax. I let Anne drag me to one of her guest rooms. She sat me on the bed and shut the door.

"Sophie? What are you on right now?" she snapped her fingers at my face. I was high not stupid.

"I am fine. I am just a bit fuzzy." Anne crouched down in front of me and put her hands on my knees.

"I am not judging. I just want to make sure you are okay that's all. Its unlike you to be like this."

I felt judged. Who the fuck was she to judge me?

"Yeah, it is just vodka." She didn't need to know about the Xanax. Anne pushed my hair behind my ear.

"Adam is here. I will get him to take you home." I wanted to stop her before she left but the words never came. Adam appeared in the doorway, minutes later; he was on alert.

" Hey, kid. Anne said you needed me to take you home. You good?" Adam sat next to me on the bed. He smelled so good. I desperately needed comfort; effortlessly I laid my head in his lap and he let me. I felt his hand in my hair, rubbing my head.

"You aren't just drunk." He said matter of factly.

"No."

"What pill?" He continued running his hand through my hair.

" Xanax, only two." I felt my breath catch in my throat. I was dumb and pathetic but my eyes were so heavy. Adam pushed me upright, stood and began removing my shirt. Was he going to try to have sex with me like this? He pushed me backwards and slid my jeans off. The fatigue was strong and I was struggling to put my thoughts together. Adam carefully pulled me upright and laid me back into the pillows; slowly resting the sheets and blanket against me. He was putting me to bed.

" I am going to tell Anne that we are staying in here tonight. I don't want to try to carry you all the way back to your apartment."

I nodded. After he left, I rolled what he said around in my head. Was he going to stay with me all night or maybe he just meant that he felt responsible for me and would check on me occasionally? I hadn't gotten to a decision by the time he came back to the room. He stayed silent as he let his jeans slide to the floor and threw down his shirt. Flicking; the light off, he climbed in next to me. I felt his body turn towards me; his arms wrapping me close into him.

"I am here. Sleep." It was the permission my body was needing and I crashed into a deep sleep.

I woke up in a daze. It took me a minute to realize where I was and who was next to me. Adam was still tightly curled up to me. One leg was draped over mine and his face was pressed into my neck. The warm melodic breathing against my skin was comforting and I didn't want to move. My bladder protested against this and I carefully started to peel myself from Adam. This made his grip tighten. I felt his lips press against my cheek.

"Morning, kid. How you feeling" I turned and locked eyes with him. He was so close.

"I am okay. I have to pee." Squiggling, I motioned my need to leave the bed. A smirk spread over his face.

"I am not letting go."

Adam brushed his nose on my cheek and grazed his lips across mine. I suppressed a sigh and pushed against his chest; his lower lip drooped into a pout.

"All done with me now?" 

His grip loosened and he rolled onto his back. I didn't answer and stumbled into the bathroom. What now Sophie? I stared myself down in the mirror. What was I going to do now? Was I going to go out there and cuddle? Were we going to fuck? I said I was done with him. I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with his quirkiness and mood swings. But having his arms wrapped around me and his face so close to mine felt safe. I inhaled deeply and opened the door. Adam was gone. I stepped into the room that suddenly felt cold. He left me here? His clothes were gone from the floor and mine were piled on top of the bed. He left me. I guess that answered it.

I had made it back to my apartment quite easily. The rest of the apartment was still asleep when I left. Adam was nowhere to be seen. I guess it was for the best. He did his good deed for the month taking care of the crazy girl. I decided it was a good time for the most comfortable clothes I owned and some cheesy crap on tv. I needed to get out of my own head. My thoughts had turned dark on the way home. It was my own fault that Adam disappeared. I was a mess and he didn't need that interrupting his life. He was making his way up in the Broadway world and was starting to bring in money and status. And here I was taking on a second job as a bagger at a grocery store because I could barely cover my rent.

Hours had passed before the loud knock woke me up; apparently, I had fallen asleep with a bag of chips in my lap. I looked down at my cellphone. It was 9pm. The second knock came followed with "Its Adam." My chest tightened. I was not prepared for this. Why the fuck was he here? I looked down at my outfit. I was greasy, covered in chip dust and my hair was matted to my head. Fucking awesome.

"Sophie, open the door." He sounded almost desperate. I cracked the door open. Adam stepped through the door, pressing and moving against me.

"Hey." Nervously, I wrapped my arms around myself. He slammed the door and started to pace.

"What do you want from me?" His dark eyes flashed with anger. I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out. He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head.

"I don't understand you. I thought we were on the same fucking page about this but then you turn on me and fucking blow me off. I am not something you can just pick up and put down whenever you want. Christ! This is not how I work anymore!" His voice had picked up in volume and I instantly felt the fear climb up into my throat.

"Fuck you!" Suddenly I heard myself yelling.

"You just show up in my apartment, push me around and start screaming at me. You are the one who left me alone this morning. You just left!" Adam slammed his fist on the counter.

"You brushed me off! Like you always fucking do. I try to be sweet to you and you just flick me away! FUCK!" He growled and stomped into the living-room. Oh no way was he going to settle in my apartment tonight I thought to myself and stormed after him.

"Where the fuck are you going? Get out!" Adam turned and grabbed me by the shoulders.

"What do you want from me?" He gritted through his teeth. The rage rose to my face and I yanked myself away.

"Don't touch me!" Walking back to the door, I snapped it open and gestured out into the hallway.

"Get out!" Adam's eyes were a fierce black now and his jaw tightened.

"No." I couldn't believe he was refusing to leave! I slammed the door and got into his face.

"I will call the fucking cops if you don't leave!" I jabbed my finger in his chest. Adam forced his mouth against mine. I tasted copper in my mouth as I realized his lip had split open. I punched him in the chest and ran and stood behind the counter. My head was spinning; the yelling and grabbing. I was that small girl again in the kitchen as Dad slammed his fists against the wall and threw dishes at my Mom's head. Adam was now standing on the opposite side of the counter.

"Sophie?" His voice filled with concern. I pressed my palms into the cheap linoleum.

"Go away." A pained expression spread over Adam's face followed by a sneer.

"Fuck it."

The door could have been on the floor after he slammed his way out of the apartment. I started to shake and crumpled to the floor. Why am I like this? I slapped myself hard on my cheek. I was so exhausted from the echoes of the past playing in my head. Empty, I felt empty. Adam. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to never see him again. I wanted him next to me as I slept. I wanted to shower with him as he playfully spit at me and groped my breast. He made me laugh. He made me feel safe and desirable. What the hell was I doing? Jumping, I stumbled down the stairs and out into the street. Adam was halfway down the block. I started to run and cry out his name. I saw him stop abruptly and turned around. He stood in place and had me come to him. His mouth was pressed in a firm line, a smear of red on his chin from his cut lip.

"What?!" He barked. I felt myself buckle and start to cry.

"Can you come back to the apartment?" I was shaking again. His eyes softened but his overall demeanor did not change.

"Why? So you can fucking berate me some more? You fucking looked at me like I was a monster!" I nodded at the accusation. It was a fair statement.

" I am sorry. I am so sorry Adam." The internal unraveling was quickening. Adam moved closer to me and slipped one arm under mine.

"Fine, lets go." We walked back in silence; his body still tense and my tears still pouring out.

Adam walked immediately to the couch. He remained quiet. I sat on my knees on the floor careful to keep my distance.

"I am a mess. I am a fucking mess Adam. My brain screams at me every day. It's hard for me to see clearly." Adam roughed his hair with his hand.

"We are all fucking messes Sophie. It doesn't fucking mean you can just treat people like shit." He was exasperated. I pushed him too far.

"I know. I know that. I couldn't figure you out and that scared me. You just dance in and out of my apartment. Sometimes you would text and sometimes I got nothing. I didn't know that you wanted anything from me." The tears ran down my face. Adam's body relaxed and he inched to the end of the couch cushion.

"I was coming over multiple times a week Sophie. I told you I was busy with the theater but I still fucking showed up. I am exhausted and still showing up; to see you, to fuck you, to kiss you. I don't know much clearer I could be."

The anger had left his voice and was pained. Maybe I had made it all up in my head. Maybe, it was me that was causing all of my problems. I impulsively struck myself in the face. Adam jumped up from the couch and fell to his knees in front of me.

"Don't do that!" Grabbing my hand, he pressed it to the floor. I was in shock. Did I just do that in front of him? Embarrassment, flooded over me.

"I am sorry. I am sorry you saw that. Jesus. I just want you to know that I am sorry for being an asshole. I am an asshole. You really should just go." He pushed a few wet strands from my face.

"No." The words came out quiet and soft.

"You honestly should. This is all stupid. You don't need this kind of bullshit. No one does." His eyes bored into mine.

"I decide what I want to deal with."

He pulled me closer to him, our noses almost touching. I melted and instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my forehead against his; he crushed me into him. The chaos in my head dimmed.

"Adam, I am--" He cut me off with a soft kiss.

"I know, I get it. You're fucking crazy, me too. Apology accepted."

He kissed me again this time a bit slower and longer as his rubbed my back. I buried my hands into his hair and wrapped my legs around his waist. He helped and locked them behind his back. His kisses were faster and moving further down my face. The warmth spread up my spine and a sigh escaped my lips. This only encouraged him. He raised my head and slipped my tee-shirt off, exposing my breasts, his breathing quickened and his eyes danced. He brushed is mouth on mine and moved to lick my nipple. I moaned softly as his lips sucked softly and his hands moved up and down my sides. He peppered kisses down my sternum before pulling my second breast into his lips. My eyes blurred and my face was burning.

"Adam." I murmured. He stopped and peered up at me.

"Do you want me to stop?" He was discouraged. I shook my head.

"Bed, please." Whispering and pulling his face up to mine. He smiled and unlocked himself and stood, holding out his hand and helping me up. He clasped my hand in his and moved to the bed. He lifted me up and centered me. Looming over me, he spread my legs with his knee and leaned into me. I felt his hands tracing the waist of my sweatpants. Carefully, he slid them down and off. His warm breath was on my stomach and his hands cupped me from behind. He rolled my underwear off and buried his head between my legs. His tongue darted inside of me, slowly and careful. I gripped the sheets. All I could hear was his breathing and the small moans that escaped from my mouth. I cried out as he gently pushed two fingers inside of me and kissed my stomach. Shivering, I guided his head up to me.

"Kiss me." I whispered. Cupping my face in his hand, I tasted my juices on his tongue. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I felt him hard against me. I clumsily tried to unbuttoned his jeans. He stopped kissing me and laughed.

"I got it kid." He easily slipped them off along with his briefs.

"Better?" He asked as he pressed his hardness against the inside of my thigh. I nodded and bucked my hips against him, legs trembling. This was the tipping point. He lifted me up and positioned me on the bed as he slid his cock inside of me. I cried out and dug my fingers into his back. He felt so good. He pumped me fast at first and then slowed his pace.

"Do you want me?" He pressed his face between my breasts. I tried to speak but couldn't process my thoughts. I felt surrounded by him and his warmth. He continued to move in and out of me slowly as he licked my breast and kissed my collarbone.

"Do you want me Sophie?" He murmured into my skin. I nodded.

"I didn't hear you." He slid his cock out of me and leaned back onto his knees. The room was suddenly cold. I desperately needed him touching me.

"Yes." I whimpered. He shook his head.

"Yes, what?" He licked his lips and started to rub his cock.

"I want you." I swallowed down a moan. I could see him slowly coming undone with pleasure.

"How badly do you want me?" He closed his eyes, his hand speeding up. Sweat beaded my brow as I felt the urge to scream.

"I want you inside of me." His eyes blinked open and he grinned.

"Well of course you do. But do you want me to come around? Do you want me to take you out to dinner? Fuck you against your counter? Hang out with you friends?" He pressed his warm, now sticky hands into my thighs. I locked eyes with him. He was asking me if I wanted him to be in a relationship. I wanted to wake up to him, his arms around me in the morning. I wanted his kisses and kinky whispers in my ear as I did chores.

" Yes, I do." I stammered as genuinely as I could muster. His pupils widen and a sweet smile came across his face.

"It's about fucking time you said it." He leaned forward, gently kissing me.

"Now I am going to fuck you raw." A giggle escaped and he growled, burying his head in my breasts.

After, what seemed like hours of groping, kissing and sex I collapsed against Adam's chest. I could hear his heart pounding; both of us sweaty and out of breath.

"You going to make me leave now?" He teased. I kissed his sternum and breathed "no" into him. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me tighter.

"Good." He kissed the top of my head.

The next few hours, we spilled ourselves out to each other. I told him of the abusive, alcoholic father, the perverted grandfather, the toxic exes, the financial struggles. He responded with timely tender kisses and gentle squeezes. He shared that his family was scattered across the country. He had a sister that was a wreck most of the time. He had a troubled past with alcohol but has been sober since he was 17. He regularly went to AA meetings in between theater obligations. He had been through some codependent girlfriends and got tangled in a love triangle. People frequently made the mistake of underestimating him because of his awkwardness and took advantage of his loyalty. I ran my fingers through his hair as he spoke and felt my heart ache at the idea of people hurting him. I had hurt him. He stopped speaking and pulled me closer.

"What's wrong?" 

I frowned at his question and caressed him.

"I am sorry I was one of those people." He rolled his eyes.

"Stop. Don't do that. We've moved past that." He gently bit the tip of my nose.

"Let's shower. You smell like my semen." He blurted and jumped up. I laughed and followed him to the bathroom.


End file.
